R U 31337?

I want a computer so good it must be used for evil. I want to walk out of Apple SoHo with a golden aura. I want anti-gravity bluetooth. I want a computer that chases squirrels and steals your picnic lunch. I want a computer that gets bored while I'm at work and prank-calls Microsoft tech support. I want WiFi control over my coffee maker. And my roommate. And the cat. I want the ability to hijack passing iPods. I want a computer that reduces fat while locking in savory chicken flavor. I want four on the floor and a fuzzy 970 chip hanging from the rearview. I want an Airport station that cleans my laundry with sonic waves. I want a keyboard with gold teeth. I want fries with that.